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The following are apparently from contest sponsored by Omni magazine looking for the best “scientific theories.”

(Subject: Probability Theory) If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world’s great literary works in Braille.

(Subject: Bio-Mechanics) Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums.This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

(Subject: Symbolic Logic) Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

(Subject: Newtonian Mechanics) The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

(Subject: Linguistics) The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another.When a Bostonian “pahks his cah,” the lost R’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to “warsh” his car and invest in “erl” wells.

(Subject: Perpetual Motion) When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.